How Not to Write a Semester Paper

Do not complete the paper by the date that it is due. Request an incomplete in the course. Tell the professor that you will have the paper completed by the end of the following semester. When that date arrives, request an extension of one more semester. Wait until the week that grades for incompletes are due according to the university catalog. Two days prior to the specified completion date, ineffectually shuffle some papers around and briefly scan the requirements. The day before the paper is due, go to the library only to find out that it is closing early. Decide to see a movie. Accept a friend's offer to give you a wake-up call in the early morning so that you can devote 12 hours to the writing of the paper on the day that it is due. Stay up until 5 a.m. drinking beer and watching VH1. When your friend calls, thank her and go back to bed. Get to the library 10 hours before the paper is due. Spend the first five hours writing the first three pages. Panic as you consider the possibility that you may not complete the paper on time. Ponder the consequences for the graduate school career you are no longer sure that you'll have. Feel guilty for being such a terrible student and for taking advantage of the professor's goodwill. Wonder why you are being so self-destructive. Tell yourself, "I will never do this again."