in which our blogger realizes...

that her almost-sole motivation for trying to be Good is the hope of someday being Loved

that such Selfishness cancels out any Goodness that might be in her

that she cannot conceive of anyone Loving her unless she is first Good

because she does not herself Love anyone whom she does not perceive to be at least partly Good

that she feels like giving up because she is not Loved even though she feels she has been sufficiently Patient and Good to be Worthy

which might indicate a Great and Terrible Arrogance

and that her idea of what is Good may not be shared by anyone Else

that she could Almost be talked into the idea that seeking for Truth is futile because the only Truth is that there is no Truth because Truth is essentially unknowable

that if she actually believed that she would curl up and Die

because what else is there for someone who is not Loved but the hope of Truth?

but if The Truth is that there is No Truth, and she is unwilling to believe in No Truth, then is she actually seeking Real Truth?

but if Truth is essentially unknowable, then neither can it be known that there is No Truth

that she is tired of praying for Love prayers which never seem to be answered and that she cannot Love the Source of Love because it is intangible and she cannot Love Intangibility

that perhaps a desire for Love is in itself a form of Goodness

and that she cannot help but pray to the Source of Love for forgiveness for wanting Love more than Goodness and for wanting to rebel for not being Loved and for not loving the Source of Love