Some Thoughts

I think that sometimes women objectify men just as much as men objectify women in our culture. It's just that instead of looking at men as physical or sexual objects, we tend to look at them more in terms of what they can give us emotionally. Sometimes, when we have been hurt, we objectify them by seeing them only as potential dispensers of brutality or oppression. (It is not my intention to reinforce stereotypes - of course there are always exceptions, and a broad spectrum of differences exists in humanity; this is just a generalization, but I have found it to be unfortunately true in the lives of lots of women I know, myself included.) I think we are often not even aware that we are doing it, and it is easier to find this type of objectification acceptable because it occurs in the realm of the mind and emotions rather than in the realm of, say, pornography or sexual assault (which, it can be argued, similarly acts on the mind and emotions, creating a false expectation of complete submission, acceptance, and even affirmation by women, or enhancing a sense of masculinity, power and control on the part of men). But the result is the same: a sort of dehumanization of the other, a utilitarian approach to fellow human beings that sees in them not who they are, but what they can give us or do for us.

Now this is all very subtle. When I meet a man, I have an unfortunate tendency to automatically think, could this potentially be The One? Usually, an instinctual, intuitive reaction gives me a simple yes or no answer within about 30 seconds. If no, I don't necessarily treat him any differently, but I know that I think of him differently. The brutal, honest truth, which I am loathe to accept about myself, is that a man who could be "The One" is both more and less of a person to me. He's more because I am more likely to invest time, care and attention in thinking about him, and he's simultaneously less because he's no longer just a fellow human being in my mind - he is put on a pedestal which both elevates him and restricts him, subjecting him to a silent, internal, invisible critiquing process. Not only that, but suddenly I am subjected to the same critical process - by myself. I begin to think of myself in light of whether or not I would be a compatible partner for this person, whether or not he finds me attractive, etc. I can no longer just be myself around the object of my attention and affection. Friendship goes out the window. I really, really don't like this about myself.

Here's what it all boils down to. I think that, as women, we need to treat men - our fellow human beings - not with hostility, not as though they are guilty of the sins of men who may have treated us badly in the past, but also not with an undue adoration or undeserved flirtatiousness. We need to treat them with a sisterly sort of love, expecting to be treated well and maintaining high standards of behaviour ourselves. They, like us, are fellow human beings - no more and no less. Let's be both respectful and appreciative of chivalrous gestures while firm in asserting ourselves in the face of chauvinism. But every man - not just those who have potential as romantic partners - is fashioned in the image of God and given the breath of life. Our treatment of each other as human beings needs to reflect that.

Men, please do the same and realize that all women, not just your girlfriend or spouse, should be treated with respect and dignity. In certain ways we are vulnerable - physically, economically, and emotionally - and should be treated chivalrously, but also as full human beings who have moral strength, intelligence, and valid goals and opinions of our own. We are not objects created solely for your pleasure, and we are not disposable. We also are given the breath of life, and should be cherished and protected as sisters.

One thing has become increasingly clear to me recently, and it is that how we treat each other as human beings influences our conceptions of God. There is nothing worse you can do to a fellow human being than damage their belief and trust in a loving Creator and Redeemer. And we cannot disapprove someone else into changing in the ways we would like to see them change. Hatred, resentment, and bitterness accomplish nothing. In many ways, people live up (or down) to our expectations. If we want someone to be gentle with us, we must also be gentle with them. If we want someone to be respectful of us, we must also be respectful of them. (That is not to sanction abuse. If you are in physical or emotional danger, get out! Besides, it doesn't do the other person any favors to allow them to continue to put themselves in the spiritual danger of abusing you.)

Ultimately, we cannot change or save each other, we can only love one another.